Role Model

Waking up to the real world is never easy. Waking up means I have to finally admit to myself that I'm flawed, and that I have to change. I know when I'm making the wrong choices but when I look around at the disaster that is sometimes the result, I am always shocked at how much I've unintentionally hurt other people.

I am the middle child of five. Growing up I was always following my older siblings examples, whether or not I meant to. I could see myself adopting some of their behaviors, always following their leading. Over the last few years though my older sister and older brother have moved out, leaving me the oldest. I didn't really change myself to adopt that role and until now I didn't see my little sister and brother slowly changing into... well... me. It is kind of earth shattering to hear them repeat things I have said, to see them doing things I have done, choices that I regret. How could I have let this happen? Why did I have to be in the position of role model? I didn't want to be someone they copied and I definitely didn't deserve it. So, now what? I want to be an example to them, someone who could lead them without causing hurt.

I know it will take a lot of effort to become someone I would want them to look up to and maybe I will never really be a good role model. All I know is that I can do a whole heck of a lot better than this.

As always, your friendly neighborhood Loser,

Me

Confessions...

There are three different kinds of losers that I have discovered so far. There are the ones who try and fail, there are the ones who don't even bother to try and then there are the ones who win but still manage to remain a loser. I am the second kind of loser. I dream and I plan but when comes to actually getting off my butt and living life, I'm a failure. It's not that I don't want to win, but somehow I still manage to sit and watch as everyone passes me by, strangely torn between cussing myself out for being such a failure and blowing a carefree kiss to the rest of the passing world.

For the sake of all honesty I'm just going to come out and say this is not a "How To Solve Your Problems" blog. This is a "How The Stinking Heck Is This Still My Problem" blog. I don't have all (or sometimes ANY) of the answers but my first step as newly awaken Loser is to find out what my reality is.

Question 1: What Was I Doing During My Sleeping State?

I am a movie addict. NO, seriously. I am a movie addict. A few weekends ago I woke up out of a movie coma to realize that I had watched not three, not eight but SIXTEEN movies, starting Friday night and ending Sunday night. Sixteen is a shocking number and I'm not entirely sure I counted all the movies that I watched. I literally sat in one place for about 40 out of 72 hours and then the other 32 hours i split between sleeping and eating. I wish i could say that this was out of the ordinary but that would be a lie. I watch entirely and completely WAY to many movies.

I started watching movies because I love them... I mean it's so incredibly fun to me to sit and figure out the plots, predict the characters futures and to match the all actors faces to other movies I've seen them in. This is unbelievably entertaining to me. But somewhere along the way, it changed from a hobby to an escape when i realized how easy it is to hide in unreality. If i can't change my circumstances I can hide from them right? Wrong. What was my hiding place turned into a prison and now, as i try to wake up and again join the living world, I find myself incapable of leaving my fantasy land behind and the longer i fight what is truly my reality the harder it is to move on in life and actually accomplish anything. So, as you can see, I am currently banging my head against a wall. A wall of my own creation and that is why I am Loser.

And so my Loser friends I will leave you with the symbol of our people... Farewell, till later.